Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
