If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
