My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
