If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Randomize
