Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Sorry about my life...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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