he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
