Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
