I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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