Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
