Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
