Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
