I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
