so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
