Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
