Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
