Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize