those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize