I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
