I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
