So drunk its hurt
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
