Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
