Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Sober January is a disaster.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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