my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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