we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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