2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
