I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I think i got beer on your cat.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize