marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You're a waste of cheezeits
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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