hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
