my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
