I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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