Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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