she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize