i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Who died my cat blue again?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
