I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Randomize
