Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
