i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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