You just made me feel so damn special
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
