the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
This house was built for laser tag.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
