The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
