last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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