I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
