He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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