VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
