peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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