Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
