I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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