can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
