I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
