you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
