If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
