yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
