I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
