According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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