I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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