You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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