i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i can't believe i had my finger in that
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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