A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize