I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
