my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
