I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
