his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
