i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
