Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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