I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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