So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
