I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
