He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
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