I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
