I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
