Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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