I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
